Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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