I like my sex mixed with concussions.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
