Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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