I feel great
I just peed on a car
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
