foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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