gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
