I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
People in love make me want to vomit
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Randomize
