Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
