My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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