Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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