Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
