Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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