Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
