you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
