he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
