ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
