cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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