my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
