had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
