So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
