my shit smells like andre
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
