Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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