why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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