Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
