Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
