A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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