He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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