As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
