I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
