dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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