her facebook's as public as her vagina
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
