A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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