i jhust puked up my retainher.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
