We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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