Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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