I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
