Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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