If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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