hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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