Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
