And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
