If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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