I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
