She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
