when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
