WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
