Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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