Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
