He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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