there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
